When Conflict Isn’t “Bad”: A New Way to Understand Tension

One of the most common reasons people come to therapy is because they want to process "conflict" that has occurred with their family members, partners or friends. It's the most frequent word used to describe uncomfortable interactions. After working with hundreds of people, it occurred to me that most of these interactions are not conflict, but that's the definition we have for it anyway.

The idea of “conflict” often makes people tense up. Many of us hear it and immediately imagine arguments, hurt feelings, or rejection. But sometimes what we label as conflict is really something else — a difference in opinion, a moment of misunderstanding, or our own fear of being uncomfortable. How does the word conflict make you feel? Notice what happens to your body, your thought process, your heart rate, anxiety and expectations of what's to come. Generally it sends us into a place of defensiveness so we can protect ourselves.

The definition of conflict is "a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one, to be incompatible or clash." This sounds serious! I would have all my defenses ready because I don't want to get hurt.

But what if everything we call conflict is actually something else? As a therapist this is where the power of the pause is helpful. The power of the pause if that moment we take (seconds or minutes, maybe even an hour or a day) to truly evaluate what's going on.

STOP - This is the moment you realize that you will be engaging in an interaction that may not feel good, you want to avoid, may even be afraid to engage with, but you know it's happening. This is also the place where the mind can start spiraling. Stop - breathe - get grounded and in touch with yourself. It doesn't matter if it's 5 seconds or 5 minutes, this helps keep you out of "reaction" and in mindfulness.

SELF CHECK IN - Try to notice what you are feeling (angry, scared, nervous, agitated, uncertain, disappointed, frustrated, anxious, etc...) By identifying your feelings you may be able to articulate yourself better. By knowing how you feel, you can also ask what you need. Do you need a glass of water, reschedule a meeting that's about to happen, want to find a private place to talk, want to gather your thoughts, etc... Put on your oxygen mask first!

LOOK AT REALITY - this is where the word conflict is evaluated. Look at the situation and really exam if this is conflict OR is it something else? There's a 50/50 chance here, so be honest. I have observed that many people call interactions or conversations "conflict" because it's uncomfortable, but it's not a clash, argument of disagreement. And if it is - are you still in conflict about it or are you respectfully discussing your points of views?

It could be: the anticipation of discussing something hard.

It could be: I don't want to be vulnerable or honest about something.

It could be: We aren't agreeing and we need to talk this through to figure it out.

It could be: I don't feel heard or understood so I can find new ways to express myself.

It could be: Last time we talked about this it was hard, maybe there was even a disagreement or conflict, however we are returning to the conversation with a new mindset.

It could be: I am afraid of how they will react.

• Is there a real disagreement that needs to be addressed?

• Could this just be a difference in communication styles or expectations?

• Am I assuming negative intent without checking it out?

Does it feel different to identify what is happening rather than drawing the conclusion that this is "conflict?"

DETERMINE HOW YOU WANT TO ENGAGE Now that you know how you are feeling, you can ask yourself what you may need going into the interaction and honest about what is happening, you can decide how you want to respond. I often ask clients, "Do you want to react or do you want to respond?" A response is usually more thoughtful and intentionally, plus if can align with your own thoughts and feelings.

If you are afraid - you can lead with "I am nervous about how you are going to react so I ask that you try to be calm and respectful so we can work through this. If you start yelling I can't handle that and may need to step away."

If you don't feel understood - you can lead with "I feel you are having trouble understanding me and I am going to try to explain it in a new way. I would like you to listen and ask questions rather than draw conclusions."

If you are worried about a fight - you can lead with "I don't want to get into an argument. I want to listen to you and I hope you can listen to me. Can we take this slowly and if either of us feel heated or angry, we can pause to make sure it doesn't escalate?"

Rethinking Conflict: It Doesn’t Have to Be “Bad”

Not every uncomfortable moment is a conflict. Sometimes, it’s simply an invitation to understand ourselves and each other more deeply. Conflict simply means that two truths, needs, or perspectives are bumping into each other. It doesn’t mean anyone is wrong — it means something important is being expressed. Just like muscles grow when they’re challenged, relationships can grow when they move through conflict. When handled well, conflict teaches skills like empathy, patience, and problem-solving. It helps us understand ourselves and others more clearly. While conflict feels like disconnection, resolving it can lead to a deeper bond. When people work through discomfort together and feel heard, trust and respect often grow stronger than before.

When the conflict is real

When you are engaged in a true conflict, here are some tools or options to think about.

1. Focus on One Issue at a Time. Arguments escalate when multiple grievances pile on. Agree to what topic you want to discuss and try to stay on the subject. When or if it feels resolved, then intentionally go to the next topic. If you are able to resolve something during conflict, it can build trust that you can also work through others.

   
   

2. Stay Curious, Not Combative. This is really important. Try to calm your won mind and listen to what the other person is saying. Ask follow up questions, reflect back what you are hearing and try not to interpret everything through your own lens. Curiosity lowers defensiveness and increases empathy.

   
   

3. Look for the Common Goal. What are you trying to decide, resolve or understand? Do you want the same thing but have different ways of getting there? Is there a way you can agree on what the purpose of the conversation is?If there's a common goal, be patient and curious about how you both want to get there, with openness.

   
   

4. Take a Break — But Set a Return Time. It's essential that if you need a break, you are intentional about returning to the issue. Often I hear the complaint that we don't resolve things, we don't circle back to it and it frustrates me. This is actually an action that shows consideration, care and reliability in the relationship. If you tend to stop the conflict and never return to it, most likely it will pile on grievances and could potentially lead to resentment. Resolution isn’t always immediate. Even if you can’t agree on the issue, you can repair the relationship.

“Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress.” — Mahatma Gandhi