Is it Selfish or Self-Interest?

Self-interest is healthy.

Selfishness is harmful.

I often hear people hesitantly say, "I wish I could be more selfish," when what they want to say is "I want to prioritize my self."

Why do we feel guilty putting our needs, wants, hopes or goals ahead of others? It seems like a fine line between choosing ourselves and others that is harshly judged. So when you are talking to yourself, check in about what you really mean. Give yourself permission and space to listen to yourself and clarify - am I being selfish or can I have my own interest as a priority?

When we are in internal conflict about this, maybe judging ourselves harshly or negatively, here are some other ways to look at it:

• My self interest and well being is very important to me. What do I need?

• Considering my feelings as well is just as important as considering others.

• I don't want to gaslight myself, my needs or my wants.

• Taking care of myself is an investment in my well being and allows me to be there for others in a more full way.

• I need to care for my own health, physical, mental and emotional.

• It's okay to prioritize myself.

• I'm exhausted and depleted, I need to take care of myself.

• As much as I care about others, I also need to care for myself.

• I can't get mad at others when I keep saying yes. I want to learn how to balance giving and my self interest.

• I haven't been in relationships where my needs, feelings or considerations mattered, so it's new for me to learn how to prioritize myself without feeling guilty.

  
  

None of this is selfish!

Self Interest is

• Rooted in self-respect and mutual respect.

• Looks like:

  • Setting boundaries kindly.

  • Prioritizing your mental health.

  • Saying “no” without guilt.

  • Making decisions that align with your values.

• Considers others while still honoring yourself.

• Leads to balance, growth, and authentic relationships.

• Examples:

  • “I need time alone tonight to recharge, but I’d love to reschedule.”

  • “I’m going to pursue this opportunity—it matters deeply to me.”

Selfishness is

• Rooted in entitlement, fear, or disregard for others.

• Looks like:

  • Taking without giving.

  • Ignoring how your choices impact others.

  • Needing to “win” or be right.

  • Being unavailable unless it benefits you.

• Dismisses or minimizes others' needs.

• Often leads to disconnection, resentment, and loneliness.

• Damage trust and emotional safety, especially in close relationships.

• Examples:

  • “I don’t care how that affects you—it’s what I want.”

  • Always expecting support, but never offering it.

How can you make this change?

1. Shift the Inner Dialogue

• Replace “I’m being selfish” with “I’m allowed to take care of myself.”

• Remind yourself: Your needs matter, too.

• Being okay with prioritizing yourself starts with believing you’re worthy of care, not just from others—but from yourself.

  
  

2. Understand That Saying No Isn’t Mean

• Saying "no" is not rejection—it's clarity.

• You can decline with kindness:“I’d love to support you, but I need to rest tonight. Let’s connect soon.”

Learning to set boundaries with love is one of the most respectful things you can do—for yourself and for others.

3. Unpack Guilt from Old Conditioning

• Were you taught that self-sacrifice = love? Or that good people always put others first?

• Ask yourself:

  “Where did I learn that prioritizing myself is wrong?”“Who benefits when I stay exhausted and overextended?”

When you start questioning the script, you can rewrite it.

4. Practice Transparent Communication

• Let people know why you’re making a choice without over-explaining or apologizing.

• Example:“I’m going to spend the weekend offline. I need some space to recharge.”

Most people will respect honesty when it’s delivered with integrity.

5. Trust That Healthy People Respect Boundaries

• If someone gets angry or guilt-trips you for honoring your needs, that says more about their expectations than your worth.

• You don’t owe your energy to people who only value you when you're available to them.

6. See Self-Prioritization as a Gift to Others

• When you’re grounded, rested, and emotionally full—you can love better, listen better, and lead better.

• Think of it as showing up for others from a place of wholeness, not depletion.

I welcome you to think about your own needs and wants in a positive light!